Shirts...

He left for a prolonged trip and I have been having this uneasy feeling for the past couple of days. I thought I was fine, I thought I didn't miss him that much after the initial shock of being in a big empty house. But today, I think I was just kidding myself... Today, I ironed. I ironed his shirts, shirts that actually did not need to get ironed today... shirts that will not be worn for weeks and even months. In a strange way, it made me feel better, it made me feel connected, more than some of our chats. Somehow, doing something for him, anticipating his comfort made me feel better. A few days ago I organized the closet, his closet... Compared to mine (a tooootal disaster), his looked great, but not perfect. So I spent a few hours reorganizing it and tidying it. It was my favorite moment that day... So I guess, yes, I was kidding myself.
He;s been away for over a week now and I thought I was fine... I should be fine, and strong, and independent, right? That's what is expected of me. I have been trying to keep busy, small tasks, big tasks, things that needed to be done now or later... I have been filling my time so that I don;t just sit idly and feel sad. I have done more in the last week than I would have thought but still... I don;t feel any sense of accomplishment. Still, all I can do is come up with more lists of things that must be done. I am incapable of relaxing... I used to just sit and watch a show and give it my full attention when he was around. Now, I cannot sit still and watch anything for any amount of time without also doing something else. What am I afraid of? What would happen if I slowed down?
Right now, I just want my mind to stop racing, stop making stupid lists, and remembering any number of things I need to do and let me go to sleep. I just want to rest...

A recipe for Happiness?

I have been thinking a lot lately about this elusive idea of happiness that we are supposed to be seeking. How do we decide when we are happy? And how much do we compare ourselves with the images presented in the media? I have come to believe that our happiness is largely determined by how our own life measures up to the lives of our friends as well as to the life that our media exposure convinced us we should have. If you are a woman, it seems that it is not enough anymore. You better be a superwoman! You have to have a career, raise a family, you have to stay fit and young because ,well, there are so many others out there who do it for a living but none the less make you feel inadequate for not fitting the mold... And on top of everything else, if you have a family you better be the perfect wife & mother. How can anyone live up to this impossible standard? All it does is make you feel inadequate and slow for not being able to keep up with the world.
If you are single, you are supposed to search for an idealized person that quite possibly does not exist and anything less is a mistake because, let's be serious, only the world and the media knows what is good for you and what makes you happy. Yeah, right....And they are going to make their voice know, so are you strong enough to resist? Are you strong enough to choose for yourself and follow your own heart, seek your own kind of happiness. Because happiness is a funny thing... it is not a universal recipe and you might not even know what it is until you found it. So how do you pursue happiness? Or, should you even try? Maybe it is better to just take every day as it is and try to do your best. All you can hope for is that at the end of the day, your conscience is clear, there is no guilt lingering in your heart and you have no regrets. So my recipe for happiness right now seems to be a state of no guilt and no regrets. I hope I will get there, some day... How about you?

To be home again...

I have been traveling quite a lot this past year, inside and outside the U.S., and I am just getting ready to leave again in a couple of days. Don't get me wrong, I love traveling... but I miss being home and doing the simplest things, even cooking or cleaning. I know, it's strange, but I do. However, this last trip is supposed to be half work, half play, so I am actually really looking forward to it. I hope it will go well. I am really trying not to raise my expectations because my eternal problem is unrealistic expectations followed by varying degrees of disappointment. I have been trying to live by Becker's motto: "No expectations, no disappointments." but it is nearly impossible. I am a dreamer and a planner and high expectations come with the package. So I am shooting for a middle ground right now, some expectations, but one of those expectations should be the unexpected and the fact that things do not always turn out the way we plan. I read this somewhere, and I wish I remembered who said it, but I believe it to be true: "Life is what happens while we are busy making other plans."

Must love friends!

When I moved here years ago from a place far, far away the only thing that I missed were my friends and family. I still do, and I still wish I could visit them more often. Maybe in the future... For now, I try very had to keep track on their lives, rejoice from a distance for their accomplishments and try to offer them moral support for their sorrows. Most of the time I tell myself life gets busy wherever you are, so even if I was nearer I would not see them much anyway. But the truth is that every so often I realize that their lives are changing so much and I am no longer a part of that no matter how much we care for each other or how much we try to include each other.
But I digress.. I logged in to say something completely different. I have been recently inspired by the blog entries of one of my new found friends. She is an amazing mother and now a writer and somehow finds time for it all, including keeping up with her online and offline friends. And here I am, without a family or children to take care of and I cannot seem bring myself to finish the things I need to so I can move on with my life. Things had been moving in slow motion for a little while and I had lost my "mojo." So, thank you Willow for the inspiration and motivation you have unknowingly provided. You are indeed a wonderful writer and the stories of your life have inspired me. Friends... what would we do without them?

Feeling blue....

Some days, no matter how hard I try, it is very hard to shake off the blues. It seems so much easier for men to be leveled and glide through life relatively carefree, whereas women seem to have a special talent for worrying and getting lost in so many what ifs that they lose track of what is actually happening. Well, my friends, I am having one of those days today, and let me tell you... it is not fun. Now, normally, I would have taken the day off, walked through the park... or...even better... gone shopping. Ah... shopping, my dear old trusty friend... :) Unfortunately, life has become so hectic lately, that all those little personal treats have become luxuries I can no longer afford. But hey, life is not supposed to be " a walk in the park," right? And don't they say that "nothing that's worth having comes easy". Is it true? I don't know, you tell me... But today, that is my story and I am sticking to it.

In search of happiness

Are we so obsessed with being happy in the future that we completely ignore what makes us happy today? I have always lived by sacrificing the present in order to build a happier and more secure future and I think it is starting to take its toll. Years have gone by and it does not like I am getting any closer to achieving my goals... At what point do you decide to stop chasing future happiness and seize the day? Or maybe I am just fooling myself... Maybe some people are not capable of being happy... I must be missing the happy gene and maybe I should just accept that and lower my expectations.