Must stay awake....

Between a late night and an early morning I did not get enough sleep and while other times 3 hours was enough to function, today I am a mess... My brain feels foggy, my arms feel rubbery and my brain is constantly drifting off... Starbucks chocolates were not much help although the were deeeelicious. When coffee dreams it really does dream of chocolate. The only problem is that I am dreaming too, dreaming of my nice warm bed, dreaming of flowers and spring and home... On top of everything I am starting to freak out about all the big deadlines coming up and about all the projects that I am way behind on.
On a different note, my brother and his wife are arriving tonight from New Zealand. There is a slight tension between us and I am not sure how it will all go. I miss them a lot, especially my brother and it saddens me that we gew appart so much. We used to be so close... then I grew up and apparently I changed... I want to spend time with them as much as I can but for them it is more of a business trip so they will be busy. I am going crazy with work so I will be busy as well. They already have tons of plans with other people (which sort of hurt my feelings, but I am trying to understand) so whatever works for me doesn;t work for them so now I will have to figure out a way to do too much work in too little time so I can see them... Grrr... why do things have to be so difficult. I know I am not making much sense, and I appologize. I just feel tired and overwhelmed and I guess I am venting more than blogging... Next time I will try to do better. Hope everybody is having a better Monday than me.

Garfield vs Ninja: A tale of one kitty

I love Garfield, the cartoon character and even more the cat in the movies. For a few weeks now, my own Garfield started showing up for dinner almost every night. I am guessing he belongs to one of the neighbors. Nonetheless, he shows up, plays a little, gives me a lot of joy, eats, and then invariably leaves. So the other night, he had a little altercation with the green Ninja I won last year at one of those silly games at Busch Gardens. Here's what happened:
- Ninja attacks kitty

- Kitty retaliates: "Ninja you will pay for this!!! Die Ninja, die!



- Kitty gets angry... Ninja too big and too strong for his claws and teeth... so he comes up with an ingenious solution: "Kitty will suffocate Ninja...yeeess... kitty will win... Ninja will die..."

Dreaming of sleep

This is pretty much me right now! Keeping my eyes open is a battle... so far I am winning, but the future is highly uncertain. Luckily, despite not even 2 hours of sleep the presentation went well, better than expected and all in all it was a good morning. However, it is barely lunch time and I am done, energy exhausted. The good part, I am becoming very zen about my deadlines. I accepted that I cannot do everything so I gave up on two submission deadlines... almost... one of them is at 4pm and I am still guilty about not trying to meet it, but I don't think I could, even if I tried... and the other it's not a mandatory project, it is up in 4 days, and pursuing it would jeopardize my mandatory projects... So, all in all, I am planning to give up on both and focus only on what I have to do and try to go easier on myself. Trying is the key word here... Maybe then I will have time to enjoy the spring...

Wishing I was outside...

Spring is here in all it's glory, and it all happened in the blink of an eye. Just yesterday it was all dark, dreary and wet, and the trees were bald and everything around was gray and dead. All of a sudden, as I was driving through town today, I noticed that everything around was blooming and the sun was shinning with a power that hints to the hot and steamy summer that lies ahead. It is glorious! Just looking around makes me smile and makes me yearn. Makes me yearn for some time to walk around and enjoy the beauty that only nature can create. Makes me yearn for some time to snap photos, watch children play and refocus and the things that truly matter in life... Sadly, today is not that day. So here I am, locked in my windowless office trying to catch up on work and prepare my presentation for tomorrow morning all the while wishing I was outside...

I apologize to all (Angelica in particular) for being absent for a few days. Thank you so so much for all your care and concern, it means so much to me! I am feeling a lot better, although now that the pain is almost completely gone I find it very hard to deal with the fact that I have a gaping hole in my mouth... Will it ever close? I hope so, otherwise I might never dare to chew on my left side. No time to worry about that now, back to work! Those annoying deadlines will not wait for me. Where are deadline extensions when you need them?

I feel cheated!

I really feel cheated today. According to my doctor I should have felt better right away after they pulled my tooth and that was not true. I was feeling worse and in much more pain for the whole day. Then I was told that the recovery time would be 24 hours and then I would be good as new. What a joke! It is the third day and it is still not anywhere near normal, it is barely at the level it was before I got it pulled... Actually, I could talk better before. And at least before I could eat normal food... Grr... I feel cheated and mad. I had a zillion things to do this week and wasn;t able to do any. And now I have no idea how exactly I will finish an entire proposal by tomorrow and two bigger ones by Monday. The universe is not being fair to me! Ohh... angry is a light word. I just found out that the "lovely" rental company is sending people tomorrow to scrape and paint windows and ceilings and who knows what (apprently the city found them in violation of some codes) in several rooms which means that I have to pack and clear them all... Ohh joy! Just when I am about to move out in a few months they decide to fix my house and make it as inconvenient as possible. Now I am not only angry but overwhelmed... This will surely end in a few fights with S., which will just add to this whole pile of "joy".

Wisdom be gone!

Well, it's official now... My newly found and completely unnecessary wisdom is gone, and so is the pain... at least for now... Phew... Angelica, you were so right, it was not that bad. The whole injection part was horrendous... it brought back so many painful memories of a not so well anesthetized tonsil removal... While I was waiting for them to come back and start the procedure, I was already seeing flashes of them pulling my tooth while I felt every single excruciating pull... Well, it turns out I could not have been more wrong! Beside the weird creaking in my skull, I did not feel a thing and it only took them about a couple of minutes to pull it out. I was so relieved I almost started laughing at myself for being such a silly scaredy cat. It's been a couple of hours now and it's much better than I expected. Although I look and feel a like the little otter in the picture... My face is still swollen and sort of numb, and you would roll on the floor if you heard me talk, or attempting too. My tongue and cheek are still numb so I probably sound like a two year old and I keep touching my cheek to make sure it's all there :)
But as long as it doesn't hurt I don;t really care. I am so relieved that it is all over. Now I only have to do this once or twice more for the other three wisdom teeth that are apparently just beneath the surface and completely wrong again. Oh... joy! But not anytime soon, so I can pretend they don;t exist for now. Ahh... denial,my old trusty friend, where would I be without you. Well, I am off to watch some TV and forget about it all. Willow, Angelica, once again thank you so much for all your support. It means so so much!

Who needs wisdom? Not me!

They say "No pain, no gain!" Really??? In this case, I have been in a lot of pain for the past 3 days and it is all because of my apparent gain in wisdom... wisdom tooth that is. And on top of everything, it is a useless one (or so the doc says) because of the weird position it is in. The only thing that it is doing right now is butchering my cheek and the lower gum because apparently it decided that wisdom was to be served sideways and in the most awkward and inconvenient place possible. They will remove it tomorrow, but me, being the coward that I am, I am extremely freaked about the whole procedure. I hate needles, I hate dentists and I have fainted at the sight of my own blood. So, all around, tomorrow will be an interesting day.

The death of Common Sense, Truth, Trust, Discretion, Reason and Responsibility

I received this in an email today, one of those mass forwards you are supposed to forward or else.. you know the type. However, unlike most such emails, this one struck a real cord. And not only because the subject line said obituary (that was just weird timing, seems that the universe has a sense of humor) ... I have been too often now disappointed with the world we seem to blindly build around us, and this little story really hit home. It sounds familiar (variations of this have been circulating on the internet for years), but I think we too often forget its lessons. So here it is, are received in the email, original source unconfirmed...

" An Obituary printed in the London Times

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student, but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home, and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled some in her lap and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing."

Guilt is the heaviest emotion

I apologize to all for being absent for a while, but I have been in a funk for a while now, I call it falling in the barrel of doubt and depression. So when that happens, I retreat within my shell... But I am making an effort today. I am making an effort to open up and write out loud what is happening and what I feel. Angelica and Darrah, thank you so much for your very kind comments. It is mainly thanks to you that I am writing this now.

I am such a daddy's girl and I miss my father so dearly right now. He is going through a tough time and it breaks my heart that I cannot be there with him... although I am not sure what I would do, what I would say... I never know what to say when someone dies. What do you tell someone when their brother dies? My uncle John (may he rest in peace) passed away at the end of last week... I could not go to the funeral, nobody expected me to... But I wish I could have been there for my father. I have never heard such sadness in his voice before. It made me feel so incredibly guilty... Guilty for not being there to support him, guilty for not trying to get to know my uncle and his family better, guilty for moving so far away from home, and angry for not having the time and money to fly there. We were never close to my father's side of the family so I don't feel the loss that my father does. That makes me feel even more guilty. My father is such a wonderful person, so kindhearted and gentle. I know he loved his brother dearly and I cannot imagine what he is going through. I try to call everyday but all I do is chatting about little things. I am such a coward. I do not know what words would comfort him, I am afraid nothing I say will, so now I just avoid the subject and try to distract him with my life. I know he needs reassurance, reassurance that he is not alone, that I am there, and that I will be there if... no, I cannot bring myself to think of it or I will start crying... so if I can;t think it, how do I talk about it. How do I reassure him. All I can do right now is call. And I hope it is enough. If I have learned one thing during the past couple of years is that my parents are the only people who will ever love me and support me unconditionally and I would be lost without them... I often am. So then I again feel guilty for not doing more for them and most of all for being so ungrateful in the past for all the little and big things they have done for me. I am doing the best I can right now, I just hope it is enough. Somehow I know in my heart it is not enough. They understand I cannot do more, but I still feel guilty... I should be doing more, my father deserves more!
* Dad's photo was created with the help of photofunia.com

The Universe is Angry!

This picture pretty much describes my current mood. Last night I could not fall asleep, so for about two hours ('till 4am) I lay awake listening to songs on my mp3 player (so I wouldn;t wake up S, otherwise I would have watched TV... a wonderful brain numbing invention). I rarely take the time to really listen to the lyrics because most often I am really doing something else while music is just background noise. Last night though, I really listened. So many songs have such sad lyrics... Are so many people so sad and lonely all around the world? Why do we let it happen? One example, the Hallelujah song (the one they used in Shrek), might be a love song of sorts, but it is a heartbreakingly sad song which paints a very grim picture of what love is. Well.. might as well... fits my current mood. What I am scared about though is that I can feel myself shutting off inside, I can feel this big block of ice building up and the feelings just dissapearing... Maybe it;s self-defense, maybe it;s just getting older and becomming more jaded, more cynical. Either way... not what I thought my life would be... But I am often wrong, so maybe it's a faze, maybe it'll pass.

All I want to do is run to the comfort of my parents' house and be surrounded by love and familiarity. But it is all too far away, a very expensive and long plane ride away, one I cannot afford...