Shirts...

He left for a prolonged trip and I have been having this uneasy feeling for the past couple of days. I thought I was fine, I thought I didn't miss him that much after the initial shock of being in a big empty house. But today, I think I was just kidding myself... Today, I ironed. I ironed his shirts, shirts that actually did not need to get ironed today... shirts that will not be worn for weeks and even months. In a strange way, it made me feel better, it made me feel connected, more than some of our chats. Somehow, doing something for him, anticipating his comfort made me feel better. A few days ago I organized the closet, his closet... Compared to mine (a tooootal disaster), his looked great, but not perfect. So I spent a few hours reorganizing it and tidying it. It was my favorite moment that day... So I guess, yes, I was kidding myself.
He;s been away for over a week now and I thought I was fine... I should be fine, and strong, and independent, right? That's what is expected of me. I have been trying to keep busy, small tasks, big tasks, things that needed to be done now or later... I have been filling my time so that I don;t just sit idly and feel sad. I have done more in the last week than I would have thought but still... I don;t feel any sense of accomplishment. Still, all I can do is come up with more lists of things that must be done. I am incapable of relaxing... I used to just sit and watch a show and give it my full attention when he was around. Now, I cannot sit still and watch anything for any amount of time without also doing something else. What am I afraid of? What would happen if I slowed down?
Right now, I just want my mind to stop racing, stop making stupid lists, and remembering any number of things I need to do and let me go to sleep. I just want to rest...