Life is crazy... so I guess business as usual :)

Things have been getting busier and busier, but alas, I think I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Fingers crossed, it's not a freight train :) In the meantime, I shared a bunch more pictures on my other blog, and I have much more to share but no time right now. Time has just flown by this year, I can hardly believe it is already July... That being said, I am really really looking forward to August and the big move :)

Some pics from New Zealand

Hey Everyone! Sorry for not posting that often lately... I've been extremely busy with a project that needs to be finished in the next couple of weeks. I've been living in my office more than at home. If you are thinking I'm at the office right now, you would be right! I'm in here 10-12 hours a day, so that doesn;t leave room for much else.
One bright spot in my day has been the pictures my sister-in-law sent me from New Zealand. I love, love, love the ocean! So stop by my other blog and take a look. I posted two batches in the past few days. If I had money, and if I had time, I would totally run to the beach for the weekend... but maybe someplace warm not to New Zealand... What do you think? What's your favorite weekend getaway?

Cool New Contest/Advergame/Prize giveaway

Mountain Dew and WoW are launching a joint promotion for Mtn Dew Game Fuel. You get tokens by watching WoW videos or clicking on the promo banner in Facebook, Twitter or Myspace and then you use the tokens to bid on prizes every 15 min. Seems pretty cool.. I just wasted a whole our goofing around with it... Makes me miss WoW a whole lot :( My game time expired a few weeks ago :( Anyhow, I thought someone else might be interested in it. The whole thing is supposed to go on all summer. So best of luck, I hope someone wins something... I already bid on two prizes and won Zero...:(
Oh, yeah... almost forgot... the website link is here... OR, you can just click on the banner above, which will give me a few tokens to bid on prizes :) Let me know if you need me to return the favor.

Must watch!

Just finished watching the inspirational and incredibly touching commencement speech delivered by Larry Page, one of the Google cofounders, at U of Michigan. By the end of it I was so touch I almost started crying... and now I really miss my dad :) You must watch it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lfNayaL9MYc

A few of my favorite quotes from Larry's address:

"A healthy disregard for the impossible"

" What is the one sentence summary of how you change the world? Always work hard on something uncomfortably exciting!"

"On a day like today, you might feel exhilarated — like you've just been shot out of a cannon at the circus -- and even invincible. Don't ever forget that incredible feeling. But also: always remember that the moments we have with friends and family, the chances we have to do things that might make a big difference in the world, or even to make a small difference to someone you love — all those wonderful chances that life gives us, life also takes away. It can happen fast, and a whole lot sooner than you think."

There's a little glitch in the video, but the full transcript is here:
http://www.google.com/intl/en/press/annc/20090502-page-commencement.html
I am so incredibly moved by his speech... I always was a big Google fan, but I am an even bigger fan now if that is possible. Let me know what you think after you watch it.

I'm back....

I'm back yet again after another long absence. I'm sorry for being off the grid for so long. Please be kind, I did not forget you... I just let work take over my life again and, let me tell you, it never ends well when that happens. Suffice it to say, I thought my blog had become depressing enough as it was... It might also have had something to do with some unprocessed feelings relating to my brother's recent visit and then my "crap, I'm a year older, none the wiser, and still stuck in the same place" bday... but it was probably mostly work... But no more, I am reclaiming some time for myself, let's see if the sky falls...
BTW, what is it with men and comparing you with other women? So and so does this, why can't you.... So and so looks like this.... Normal people do this... Well, I'm me, and I am doing the best I can!

Bdays... ah... they used to be fun...

Bdays used to be such happy moments... Last year, it sort of sucked... this year it was much better... although I had some mixed feelings... Is it age, is your bday supposed to be less important as you grow older? Is this some sort of social rule I am missing?
Right now, I am having tons of those mixed feelings. I am not sure if I am just being childish, or I have an actual reason to be upset. It is 8:20pm and my brother just called to wish me Happy Bday... at 8:20 pm... Granted there is a 2 hour time difference right now, and he is attending some conference or something, but still...I was offended he couldn;t find 5 minutes earlier in the day to wish me a Happy Bday. Or just 2 minutes... Am I being childish? I need a second opinion!

Bad weather and sadness...

I miss the sun, I miss home, I miss happiness... A strange and shocking thing happened today... I was reading one of the blogs I follow and the question of the day was what do you daydream about. And the first thing that popped into my head was "I daydream about a time when I felt loved, confident, and happy..." I really hope it is just the bad murky weather outside that is the cause here and not my life in general, because if it was true in general it would be really sad... Who knows, maybe it is true... Last night I was pretty much told that unless I fix a zillion things about myself, no one will ever accept me... Today I was told that somehow, somebody had overinflated my confidence for whatever wrong reason... So now, what can I do... I cannot give up, so I am on a mission to fix things. Some of those things, I understand... they are true... I let myself slip... somehow life took over and I ended up on the last spot on the priorities list.. more like I fell off the list altogether. But other things... I am not sure are fixable. So where does that leave me... Maybe alone... who knows... the future will tell... For now, I am just sad and hopefully somewhere inside I still have the power to fix things... but what about the unfixable ones? What if I am unfixable, broken, forever?

Cake, family and flowers

All in all it was a good weekend... lots of ups and downs for different reasons, but today I am starting the week on a more positive note, so I guess it;s all good. On Saturday I got to spend half the day with my brother and his wife. They gave me a beautifyl buquet of daffodils, 3 or 4 kinds. I posted pictures with them and a few others on my other blog. It was great, we grilled, we overate, and we stayed out in the sun... S. makes the best tandori chicken on the grill! Yamm.. whish I had some left just about now because I am starving!
The pineapple cake I "made" was deeelicious! And so was the second cake with cappuccino ice cream... A German thing, got it from Aldi's and I am going back for more so if you are interested I can post a picture of the box later on. It is the lightest, not too sweet cake I have ever bought... but I am partial, I love coffee flavored pretty much anything.





If I had to choose a favorite between the two... it would be really really hard... maybe the pineapple one because it is somewhat healthier. Here is the very very simple 15 minute recipe:

Just take a small loaf of angle food cake, 3/4 box of whip cream, and 1/2 can crushed pineapple. Cut the cake in 3 equal layers. Mix some of the whip cream with the very, very well drained pineapple (I actually just squeeze it in my fist to make sure I get all the extra juice out). In the meantime, use some of the pineapple juice in the can to moisten the 3 layers. Then simply put the pineapple-whip cream mixture between the two layers (you can lay it on almost as think as the cake layers, almost...), and use the rest of the whip cream to nicely coat the entire cake, and voila! You can serve it or keep it in the fridge/freezer for later. You can decorate it with other fruits (strawberries, kiwis, bluberries, etc.) as you wish.
When I bake it from scratch, I use the other half of the can to put inside the cake mixture before I bake it and then it will have an even stronger pineapple flavor.

Friday sucks and other things...

Today I am feeling too whatever sad and depressed feels like. I am sitting in the office trying really hard to be productive and not look like I am about to cry and it sucks. All I want to do is go crawl into a little ball in a dark corner and let it out.. It;s not like I have anyone to talk to about it... How could i possibly explain it all to anyone... It's not like I can do anything about it, it's not like anyone could help and then people like to judge and then they would look at me differently. Why is life so complicated? Why is it that even when u try to do something right by you or right by others things still go so horrible wrong. Where did I take the wrong turn and how can I make it right. I can;t believe I am saying this, but Friday sucks! At least this Friday does...

Must stay awake....

Between a late night and an early morning I did not get enough sleep and while other times 3 hours was enough to function, today I am a mess... My brain feels foggy, my arms feel rubbery and my brain is constantly drifting off... Starbucks chocolates were not much help although the were deeeelicious. When coffee dreams it really does dream of chocolate. The only problem is that I am dreaming too, dreaming of my nice warm bed, dreaming of flowers and spring and home... On top of everything I am starting to freak out about all the big deadlines coming up and about all the projects that I am way behind on.
On a different note, my brother and his wife are arriving tonight from New Zealand. There is a slight tension between us and I am not sure how it will all go. I miss them a lot, especially my brother and it saddens me that we gew appart so much. We used to be so close... then I grew up and apparently I changed... I want to spend time with them as much as I can but for them it is more of a business trip so they will be busy. I am going crazy with work so I will be busy as well. They already have tons of plans with other people (which sort of hurt my feelings, but I am trying to understand) so whatever works for me doesn;t work for them so now I will have to figure out a way to do too much work in too little time so I can see them... Grrr... why do things have to be so difficult. I know I am not making much sense, and I appologize. I just feel tired and overwhelmed and I guess I am venting more than blogging... Next time I will try to do better. Hope everybody is having a better Monday than me.

Garfield vs Ninja: A tale of one kitty

I love Garfield, the cartoon character and even more the cat in the movies. For a few weeks now, my own Garfield started showing up for dinner almost every night. I am guessing he belongs to one of the neighbors. Nonetheless, he shows up, plays a little, gives me a lot of joy, eats, and then invariably leaves. So the other night, he had a little altercation with the green Ninja I won last year at one of those silly games at Busch Gardens. Here's what happened:
- Ninja attacks kitty

- Kitty retaliates: "Ninja you will pay for this!!! Die Ninja, die!



- Kitty gets angry... Ninja too big and too strong for his claws and teeth... so he comes up with an ingenious solution: "Kitty will suffocate Ninja...yeeess... kitty will win... Ninja will die..."

Dreaming of sleep

This is pretty much me right now! Keeping my eyes open is a battle... so far I am winning, but the future is highly uncertain. Luckily, despite not even 2 hours of sleep the presentation went well, better than expected and all in all it was a good morning. However, it is barely lunch time and I am done, energy exhausted. The good part, I am becoming very zen about my deadlines. I accepted that I cannot do everything so I gave up on two submission deadlines... almost... one of them is at 4pm and I am still guilty about not trying to meet it, but I don't think I could, even if I tried... and the other it's not a mandatory project, it is up in 4 days, and pursuing it would jeopardize my mandatory projects... So, all in all, I am planning to give up on both and focus only on what I have to do and try to go easier on myself. Trying is the key word here... Maybe then I will have time to enjoy the spring...

Wishing I was outside...

Spring is here in all it's glory, and it all happened in the blink of an eye. Just yesterday it was all dark, dreary and wet, and the trees were bald and everything around was gray and dead. All of a sudden, as I was driving through town today, I noticed that everything around was blooming and the sun was shinning with a power that hints to the hot and steamy summer that lies ahead. It is glorious! Just looking around makes me smile and makes me yearn. Makes me yearn for some time to walk around and enjoy the beauty that only nature can create. Makes me yearn for some time to snap photos, watch children play and refocus and the things that truly matter in life... Sadly, today is not that day. So here I am, locked in my windowless office trying to catch up on work and prepare my presentation for tomorrow morning all the while wishing I was outside...

I apologize to all (Angelica in particular) for being absent for a few days. Thank you so so much for all your care and concern, it means so much to me! I am feeling a lot better, although now that the pain is almost completely gone I find it very hard to deal with the fact that I have a gaping hole in my mouth... Will it ever close? I hope so, otherwise I might never dare to chew on my left side. No time to worry about that now, back to work! Those annoying deadlines will not wait for me. Where are deadline extensions when you need them?

I feel cheated!

I really feel cheated today. According to my doctor I should have felt better right away after they pulled my tooth and that was not true. I was feeling worse and in much more pain for the whole day. Then I was told that the recovery time would be 24 hours and then I would be good as new. What a joke! It is the third day and it is still not anywhere near normal, it is barely at the level it was before I got it pulled... Actually, I could talk better before. And at least before I could eat normal food... Grr... I feel cheated and mad. I had a zillion things to do this week and wasn;t able to do any. And now I have no idea how exactly I will finish an entire proposal by tomorrow and two bigger ones by Monday. The universe is not being fair to me! Ohh... angry is a light word. I just found out that the "lovely" rental company is sending people tomorrow to scrape and paint windows and ceilings and who knows what (apprently the city found them in violation of some codes) in several rooms which means that I have to pack and clear them all... Ohh joy! Just when I am about to move out in a few months they decide to fix my house and make it as inconvenient as possible. Now I am not only angry but overwhelmed... This will surely end in a few fights with S., which will just add to this whole pile of "joy".

Wisdom be gone!

Well, it's official now... My newly found and completely unnecessary wisdom is gone, and so is the pain... at least for now... Phew... Angelica, you were so right, it was not that bad. The whole injection part was horrendous... it brought back so many painful memories of a not so well anesthetized tonsil removal... While I was waiting for them to come back and start the procedure, I was already seeing flashes of them pulling my tooth while I felt every single excruciating pull... Well, it turns out I could not have been more wrong! Beside the weird creaking in my skull, I did not feel a thing and it only took them about a couple of minutes to pull it out. I was so relieved I almost started laughing at myself for being such a silly scaredy cat. It's been a couple of hours now and it's much better than I expected. Although I look and feel a like the little otter in the picture... My face is still swollen and sort of numb, and you would roll on the floor if you heard me talk, or attempting too. My tongue and cheek are still numb so I probably sound like a two year old and I keep touching my cheek to make sure it's all there :)
But as long as it doesn't hurt I don;t really care. I am so relieved that it is all over. Now I only have to do this once or twice more for the other three wisdom teeth that are apparently just beneath the surface and completely wrong again. Oh... joy! But not anytime soon, so I can pretend they don;t exist for now. Ahh... denial,my old trusty friend, where would I be without you. Well, I am off to watch some TV and forget about it all. Willow, Angelica, once again thank you so much for all your support. It means so so much!

Who needs wisdom? Not me!

They say "No pain, no gain!" Really??? In this case, I have been in a lot of pain for the past 3 days and it is all because of my apparent gain in wisdom... wisdom tooth that is. And on top of everything, it is a useless one (or so the doc says) because of the weird position it is in. The only thing that it is doing right now is butchering my cheek and the lower gum because apparently it decided that wisdom was to be served sideways and in the most awkward and inconvenient place possible. They will remove it tomorrow, but me, being the coward that I am, I am extremely freaked about the whole procedure. I hate needles, I hate dentists and I have fainted at the sight of my own blood. So, all around, tomorrow will be an interesting day.

The death of Common Sense, Truth, Trust, Discretion, Reason and Responsibility

I received this in an email today, one of those mass forwards you are supposed to forward or else.. you know the type. However, unlike most such emails, this one struck a real cord. And not only because the subject line said obituary (that was just weird timing, seems that the universe has a sense of humor) ... I have been too often now disappointed with the world we seem to blindly build around us, and this little story really hit home. It sounds familiar (variations of this have been circulating on the internet for years), but I think we too often forget its lessons. So here it is, are received in the email, original source unconfirmed...

" An Obituary printed in the London Times

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student, but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home, and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled some in her lap and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing."

Guilt is the heaviest emotion

I apologize to all for being absent for a while, but I have been in a funk for a while now, I call it falling in the barrel of doubt and depression. So when that happens, I retreat within my shell... But I am making an effort today. I am making an effort to open up and write out loud what is happening and what I feel. Angelica and Darrah, thank you so much for your very kind comments. It is mainly thanks to you that I am writing this now.

I am such a daddy's girl and I miss my father so dearly right now. He is going through a tough time and it breaks my heart that I cannot be there with him... although I am not sure what I would do, what I would say... I never know what to say when someone dies. What do you tell someone when their brother dies? My uncle John (may he rest in peace) passed away at the end of last week... I could not go to the funeral, nobody expected me to... But I wish I could have been there for my father. I have never heard such sadness in his voice before. It made me feel so incredibly guilty... Guilty for not being there to support him, guilty for not trying to get to know my uncle and his family better, guilty for moving so far away from home, and angry for not having the time and money to fly there. We were never close to my father's side of the family so I don't feel the loss that my father does. That makes me feel even more guilty. My father is such a wonderful person, so kindhearted and gentle. I know he loved his brother dearly and I cannot imagine what he is going through. I try to call everyday but all I do is chatting about little things. I am such a coward. I do not know what words would comfort him, I am afraid nothing I say will, so now I just avoid the subject and try to distract him with my life. I know he needs reassurance, reassurance that he is not alone, that I am there, and that I will be there if... no, I cannot bring myself to think of it or I will start crying... so if I can;t think it, how do I talk about it. How do I reassure him. All I can do right now is call. And I hope it is enough. If I have learned one thing during the past couple of years is that my parents are the only people who will ever love me and support me unconditionally and I would be lost without them... I often am. So then I again feel guilty for not doing more for them and most of all for being so ungrateful in the past for all the little and big things they have done for me. I am doing the best I can right now, I just hope it is enough. Somehow I know in my heart it is not enough. They understand I cannot do more, but I still feel guilty... I should be doing more, my father deserves more!
* Dad's photo was created with the help of photofunia.com

The Universe is Angry!

This picture pretty much describes my current mood. Last night I could not fall asleep, so for about two hours ('till 4am) I lay awake listening to songs on my mp3 player (so I wouldn;t wake up S, otherwise I would have watched TV... a wonderful brain numbing invention). I rarely take the time to really listen to the lyrics because most often I am really doing something else while music is just background noise. Last night though, I really listened. So many songs have such sad lyrics... Are so many people so sad and lonely all around the world? Why do we let it happen? One example, the Hallelujah song (the one they used in Shrek), might be a love song of sorts, but it is a heartbreakingly sad song which paints a very grim picture of what love is. Well.. might as well... fits my current mood. What I am scared about though is that I can feel myself shutting off inside, I can feel this big block of ice building up and the feelings just dissapearing... Maybe it;s self-defense, maybe it;s just getting older and becomming more jaded, more cynical. Either way... not what I thought my life would be... But I am often wrong, so maybe it's a faze, maybe it'll pass.

All I want to do is run to the comfort of my parents' house and be surrounded by love and familiarity. But it is all too far away, a very expensive and long plane ride away, one I cannot afford...

I just can’t seem to get it right today… or any day…

No matter what, I just can’t seem to get it right! Whoever said “Just be yourself and everything will be fine”, what a load of c**p! Nothing is ever fine! What do you do when being yourself drives people you care about away? What do you do when simply being yourself makes them not want to be in your company? Well, you try to change. But what do you do when you try, and you think you have made a change but you still can’t seem to get it right? Or worse, what do you do when you try to change and it just seems to make it worse? How do you fix something you can’t understand? How do you fix you? I am by now convinced that being myself is a recipe for disaster and yet I don’t know how to be different. Because see, as weird as it may seem to many, I cannot pretend and I cannot fake or lie about anything… And that is starting to seem more and more like a major design flaw. No one cares about my reasons, thoughts, motivations or feelings. No one can read my mind. All people care about is how they see my behavior and what they hear in my words… And there comes another flaw… I often choose the wrong words… Maybe I don’t pay enough attention to the undertones and hidden meanings of words because somehow I have formed this very mistaken impression that people will get my intended meaning and not something completely different. So how do I fix this?

I feel like there is this huge manual of “How to…” that everybody else has read and lives by except for me. I seem to be walking around unaware of any of these rules and then no matter how hard I try I can never seem to get it right and it is all my fault! If others can do it which such grace and such ease, why not me! What is wrong with me? Probably too much to count… but hopefully not too much to fix…

sleepy

Click Here For Myspace Graphics at GraphicsHunt.com - Myspace Layouts

Work is the best sleeping pill...

I thought the picture above was the best description for how I feel right now.

I have been sitting at my desk for the past couple of hours trying really, really hard to read a stack of papers and I can hardly keep my eyes open. I tried coffee, chocolate, even coffee chocolate, nothing works. Wish I was home, wrapped up in my cozy blanket and off to dreamworld.

Are Men Maturing Backwards?

I always suspected men were nicer when they were younger, but now it seems that there is some proof to that. If this was not so, how else would you explain the fact that they're taking dating advice from a nine-year-old... a very smart and perceptive one...Alec Greven's book How To Talk To Girls is a New York Times best-seller. And for good reason it seems...

Just Three More Days...

I am so incredibly excited about this! Only three more days until Confessions of a Shopaholic comes out in theaters. As it is pretty obvious, the Shopaholic series is my absolute favorite. I have read all the books, some twice. There were so many moments of: "wow, that is sooo me!" while reading them. Although... the be fair, I wasn't so crazy about the last one... But then again, I haven't been pregnant... so that might be the reason I didn't identify with Becky then as much as I did before.

I cannot wait to see Isla Fisher playing Becky. She is perfect for the role, just like I pictured it! I just hope that my expectations are not too high... I often have this problem of building unrealistic expectations and ending up disappointed. Still... I have a feeling this will not be one of those times. Shopaholic, in any form, whether on paper or on the screen, can never disappoint. I am looking forward to 115 minutes of rofl.

To Eat or Not to Eat?

Last night we had a little party for a few friends and colleagues. It was a lot of fun... rolling on the floor laughing kind of fun (we decided to play Jeff Dunham's Arguing with Myself for them). But at the end of the party I was left with this barely touched, wonderful, delicious, lick your fingers good chocolate cake:



S does not like chocolate so he will not touch it, which means that the cake "responsibility" lies entirely on my shoulders. What to do... what to do.... I have been trying to eat healthier in order to loose some weight and feel better, and I was even planning to start going to the gym (Well.... to be fair, I have been planning it since the beginning of the year and it's still just a plan...). I had succeeded for a little while and lost a few pounds but then stress kicked in at work and my home-made healthy meals turned into not so home-made and not so healthy ones. Long story short my middle section has been... how to put this gently... taking on "extra responsibility" for the past few weeks. So what to do about the cake? Should I eat it... should I not? It is a tough battle and I have this tiny feeling that the cake will win this one :)

This is not a story I have to tell myself!

I wish I had read that line in the Glamour article a few days ago when I really needed someone to bring me to my senses. I went through a really rough patch and, looking back... I guess the main culprit was me. I worry, constantly, and to the point that it adversely affects my happiness and my relationships. I will pick up and the slightest signs and let them snowball in my head into big catastrophes:
"Why did he say that? Does that mean he doesn;t love me... Is he going to leave me... Am I going to end up alone?"

"He is drooling over that blond on TV ... he;s always been obsessed with blonds. He's going to cheat one me and I am going to be heartbroken... Worse, he is going to dump me for a slutty blond and I will end up alone and miserable...What if I dye my hair blond... My hair is weak, it wont take it and then it will fall out and then he'll leave me anyway and I will be bald and alone..."

Well, you get the picture. I get in my own way constantly and I should learn how not to. It is hurting me, and it could hurt everything I am so afraid of loosing. I don't just worry, but I also get mad at those who could potentially do such horrible things... sort of like preemptive anger I guess... which doesn;t make much sense to them. So I think it is wonderful advice: I don;t have to tell myself all these horrible stories. They are not real and chances are they won;t happen. All this worrying might actually make them happen and I do not want to fuel any self-fulfilling prophecies. So today, I am making my first resolution (yeah, I know, it is way past New Years but I never make New Years resolutions so this should still count). I am vowing to stay out of my head, stop getting in my own way and let tomorrow worry about tomorrow. Life's too short to worry about potential horrible what ifs. There are real problems that are worth worrying and hypothetical problems do not count.