I just can’t seem to get it right today… or any day…

No matter what, I just can’t seem to get it right! Whoever said “Just be yourself and everything will be fine”, what a load of c**p! Nothing is ever fine! What do you do when being yourself drives people you care about away? What do you do when simply being yourself makes them not want to be in your company? Well, you try to change. But what do you do when you try, and you think you have made a change but you still can’t seem to get it right? Or worse, what do you do when you try to change and it just seems to make it worse? How do you fix something you can’t understand? How do you fix you? I am by now convinced that being myself is a recipe for disaster and yet I don’t know how to be different. Because see, as weird as it may seem to many, I cannot pretend and I cannot fake or lie about anything… And that is starting to seem more and more like a major design flaw. No one cares about my reasons, thoughts, motivations or feelings. No one can read my mind. All people care about is how they see my behavior and what they hear in my words… And there comes another flaw… I often choose the wrong words… Maybe I don’t pay enough attention to the undertones and hidden meanings of words because somehow I have formed this very mistaken impression that people will get my intended meaning and not something completely different. So how do I fix this?

I feel like there is this huge manual of “How to…” that everybody else has read and lives by except for me. I seem to be walking around unaware of any of these rules and then no matter how hard I try I can never seem to get it right and it is all my fault! If others can do it which such grace and such ease, why not me! What is wrong with me? Probably too much to count… but hopefully not too much to fix…

sleepy

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Work is the best sleeping pill...

I thought the picture above was the best description for how I feel right now.

I have been sitting at my desk for the past couple of hours trying really, really hard to read a stack of papers and I can hardly keep my eyes open. I tried coffee, chocolate, even coffee chocolate, nothing works. Wish I was home, wrapped up in my cozy blanket and off to dreamworld.

Are Men Maturing Backwards?

I always suspected men were nicer when they were younger, but now it seems that there is some proof to that. If this was not so, how else would you explain the fact that they're taking dating advice from a nine-year-old... a very smart and perceptive one...Alec Greven's book How To Talk To Girls is a New York Times best-seller. And for good reason it seems...

Just Three More Days...

I am so incredibly excited about this! Only three more days until Confessions of a Shopaholic comes out in theaters. As it is pretty obvious, the Shopaholic series is my absolute favorite. I have read all the books, some twice. There were so many moments of: "wow, that is sooo me!" while reading them. Although... the be fair, I wasn't so crazy about the last one... But then again, I haven't been pregnant... so that might be the reason I didn't identify with Becky then as much as I did before.

I cannot wait to see Isla Fisher playing Becky. She is perfect for the role, just like I pictured it! I just hope that my expectations are not too high... I often have this problem of building unrealistic expectations and ending up disappointed. Still... I have a feeling this will not be one of those times. Shopaholic, in any form, whether on paper or on the screen, can never disappoint. I am looking forward to 115 minutes of rofl.

To Eat or Not to Eat?

Last night we had a little party for a few friends and colleagues. It was a lot of fun... rolling on the floor laughing kind of fun (we decided to play Jeff Dunham's Arguing with Myself for them). But at the end of the party I was left with this barely touched, wonderful, delicious, lick your fingers good chocolate cake:



S does not like chocolate so he will not touch it, which means that the cake "responsibility" lies entirely on my shoulders. What to do... what to do.... I have been trying to eat healthier in order to loose some weight and feel better, and I was even planning to start going to the gym (Well.... to be fair, I have been planning it since the beginning of the year and it's still just a plan...). I had succeeded for a little while and lost a few pounds but then stress kicked in at work and my home-made healthy meals turned into not so home-made and not so healthy ones. Long story short my middle section has been... how to put this gently... taking on "extra responsibility" for the past few weeks. So what to do about the cake? Should I eat it... should I not? It is a tough battle and I have this tiny feeling that the cake will win this one :)

This is not a story I have to tell myself!

I wish I had read that line in the Glamour article a few days ago when I really needed someone to bring me to my senses. I went through a really rough patch and, looking back... I guess the main culprit was me. I worry, constantly, and to the point that it adversely affects my happiness and my relationships. I will pick up and the slightest signs and let them snowball in my head into big catastrophes:
"Why did he say that? Does that mean he doesn;t love me... Is he going to leave me... Am I going to end up alone?"

"He is drooling over that blond on TV ... he;s always been obsessed with blonds. He's going to cheat one me and I am going to be heartbroken... Worse, he is going to dump me for a slutty blond and I will end up alone and miserable...What if I dye my hair blond... My hair is weak, it wont take it and then it will fall out and then he'll leave me anyway and I will be bald and alone..."

Well, you get the picture. I get in my own way constantly and I should learn how not to. It is hurting me, and it could hurt everything I am so afraid of loosing. I don't just worry, but I also get mad at those who could potentially do such horrible things... sort of like preemptive anger I guess... which doesn;t make much sense to them. So I think it is wonderful advice: I don;t have to tell myself all these horrible stories. They are not real and chances are they won;t happen. All this worrying might actually make them happen and I do not want to fuel any self-fulfilling prophecies. So today, I am making my first resolution (yeah, I know, it is way past New Years but I never make New Years resolutions so this should still count). I am vowing to stay out of my head, stop getting in my own way and let tomorrow worry about tomorrow. Life's too short to worry about potential horrible what ifs. There are real problems that are worth worrying and hypothetical problems do not count.