I just can’t seem to get it right today… or any day…

No matter what, I just can’t seem to get it right! Whoever said “Just be yourself and everything will be fine”, what a load of c**p! Nothing is ever fine! What do you do when being yourself drives people you care about away? What do you do when simply being yourself makes them not want to be in your company? Well, you try to change. But what do you do when you try, and you think you have made a change but you still can’t seem to get it right? Or worse, what do you do when you try to change and it just seems to make it worse? How do you fix something you can’t understand? How do you fix you? I am by now convinced that being myself is a recipe for disaster and yet I don’t know how to be different. Because see, as weird as it may seem to many, I cannot pretend and I cannot fake or lie about anything… And that is starting to seem more and more like a major design flaw. No one cares about my reasons, thoughts, motivations or feelings. No one can read my mind. All people care about is how they see my behavior and what they hear in my words… And there comes another flaw… I often choose the wrong words… Maybe I don’t pay enough attention to the undertones and hidden meanings of words because somehow I have formed this very mistaken impression that people will get my intended meaning and not something completely different. So how do I fix this?

I feel like there is this huge manual of “How to…” that everybody else has read and lives by except for me. I seem to be walking around unaware of any of these rules and then no matter how hard I try I can never seem to get it right and it is all my fault! If others can do it which such grace and such ease, why not me! What is wrong with me? Probably too much to count… but hopefully not too much to fix…