Guilt is the heaviest emotion

I apologize to all for being absent for a while, but I have been in a funk for a while now, I call it falling in the barrel of doubt and depression. So when that happens, I retreat within my shell... But I am making an effort today. I am making an effort to open up and write out loud what is happening and what I feel. Angelica and Darrah, thank you so much for your very kind comments. It is mainly thanks to you that I am writing this now.

I am such a daddy's girl and I miss my father so dearly right now. He is going through a tough time and it breaks my heart that I cannot be there with him... although I am not sure what I would do, what I would say... I never know what to say when someone dies. What do you tell someone when their brother dies? My uncle John (may he rest in peace) passed away at the end of last week... I could not go to the funeral, nobody expected me to... But I wish I could have been there for my father. I have never heard such sadness in his voice before. It made me feel so incredibly guilty... Guilty for not being there to support him, guilty for not trying to get to know my uncle and his family better, guilty for moving so far away from home, and angry for not having the time and money to fly there. We were never close to my father's side of the family so I don't feel the loss that my father does. That makes me feel even more guilty. My father is such a wonderful person, so kindhearted and gentle. I know he loved his brother dearly and I cannot imagine what he is going through. I try to call everyday but all I do is chatting about little things. I am such a coward. I do not know what words would comfort him, I am afraid nothing I say will, so now I just avoid the subject and try to distract him with my life. I know he needs reassurance, reassurance that he is not alone, that I am there, and that I will be there if... no, I cannot bring myself to think of it or I will start crying... so if I can;t think it, how do I talk about it. How do I reassure him. All I can do right now is call. And I hope it is enough. If I have learned one thing during the past couple of years is that my parents are the only people who will ever love me and support me unconditionally and I would be lost without them... I often am. So then I again feel guilty for not doing more for them and most of all for being so ungrateful in the past for all the little and big things they have done for me. I am doing the best I can right now, I just hope it is enough. Somehow I know in my heart it is not enough. They understand I cannot do more, but I still feel guilty... I should be doing more, my father deserves more!
* Dad's photo was created with the help of photofunia.com